Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On my knees...

I haven’t felt much like writing lately, which isn’t like me. Writing is usually my form of processing and working through things. I know part of the reason is because we have been extremely busy with life. Travis is moving son back from college for the summer (yeah!!) Carson is turning 3 years old this Saturday (he is so excited!) 6 kids involved in soccer, a new baby (who has had some medical issues we are dealing with) raising 9 kids... and just life in general.

Most days are wonderful, other days are not.

Actually, to be honest, some days are just downright hard.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

This past week my heart has been so heavy. As I look around me I have a lot of close friends who are facing some tough stuff. We have spent a lot of time in prayer lately,even often times in the middle of the night, for our precious friends, The Patterson's. Sweet princess Chrissie , who was adopted from Serbia 6 months ago-has been fighting for her life after having open heart surgery. For those of you who don’t know them- you are missing out. This family has taught me so much about truly living for Christ. They have taught me so much about giving- no matter what the cost. It has been a privilege to know them and I am so thankful for their example. And yet my heart is hurting for them as they walk through this valley. I want a happy ending for them more than anything. I feel so helpless and to be honest I am questioning God like never before.

And all I can do is remain on my knees.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

And then there is The Riggs family. The family we are trying and trying to raise the money for through the Pass It Forward Adoption Fund. Their lives have been completely turned upside down over the past year with Abby (who was adopted from Guatemala) being diagnosed with leukemia. Michelle and I have laughed together, cried together, and prayed together- all the while knowing that God is in control and that we just have to trust. But as you spend day after day watching your little girl suffer and wondering what the future holds- there is only so much you can take. My heart breaks for them.

Then I look over to the chip in button on my blog and I question myself. And I question God. I know He told me to do it. Raising the money was HIS idea. But I am at a loss for how. We are a little more than half way to $20,000 and even though the Riggs are walking this tough road- they choose to continue to welcome more children in their home. They know how fragile life is and more than anything they want to use the time they have to make a child’s life better.

I cannot help but notice how much The Pattersons and The Riggs have in common. Both having children who are fighting for their lives- yet regardless of the unknowns- both families continue to love and welcome new children into their home.

I am in awe.

I am inspired...

and yet I feel so helpless.

I want so much to do something. I want so much to do more. I know God has a plan. But I cannot seem to hear him. I am at a loss as to how to raise the rest of the money.

And all I can do is remain on my knees.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I also have a few friends who are struggling with their adopted children. I am passionate about adoption. I love adoption. But it is hard. Real hard. I admit that often times I am guilty of concentrating on the awesomeness of adoption. The wow moments- the ones that take your breath away. The happy endings. But the truth is, adoption isn’t always easy. Life isn’t always easy. There are often struggles. Big struggles. Ones that make you question where God is in all of this? Often times our adopted kiddo’s come to us with baggage and scars. The thick kind of scars that never seem to fade. And there is baggage- the kind that you have to sort through, work on weeding out, and getting rid of some of the things that are wearing you down. And it takes work. Lots and lots of work. Sometimes you try things that don’t work. So you try something else. And sometimes even that doesn’t work. So, you try again. Over and over- never giving up- even though a lot of the times want to.

And all you can do is remain on your knees.

On your knees seeking Him.

Trusting the one who knows.

The one who has all the answers.

Because you know without a doubt that you don’t.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. Psalm 32:8

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Flamingo said...

hugs to you....
i was just thinking of you the other day as we are learning balance homework, school and activities and we only have 4!

i was wondering how you did it with regards to your kids in school? i know many larger families homeschool...which is the road we are walking towards. i'm finding it hard to actually have time as family when my kids are gone so much!

Shonni said...

I have missed you..so glad to hear from you. It is so true what you wrote today.
loves to you friend!

Shonni said...

I have missed you..so glad to hear from you. It is so true what you wrote today.
loves to you friend!

Holly said...

No more words necessary.

Gretchen said...

Amy, my friend, I am so glad that you posted this. I felt like I was reading my heart. We too have been praying for quite a few people in our lives that are struggling.

I am also in a "hard" spot with my adopted daughter right now. I am just exhausted. I want to fix it, I just haven't figured out how yet.

Thank you for your words. If anything God let me know through them that He is here and there will be brighter days.

Jennifer said...

I love your blog- You give me solace sometimes when I think I know whats going on you make me remember that it may be about me- but its all about HIM! Flamingo Mama- email me and I can tell you all about the wonderful aspects of homeschooling. :) We love it!! :)


Laurel said...

Powerful words, Amy! Sometimes that is all that the Lord wants us to do ... be On Our Knees in Prayer. Other times, He wants us to DO something. And, sometimes it is difficult to discern which way we are supposed to go, day by day.

I, too, have been praying for the Riggs and the Pattersons. I listened to their interview on Brent's call-in internet show last night. (they are scheduled to be on again tonight) It was so neat to hear their hearts, in the midst of the TOUGH stuff.

And, yes, adoption can be overwhelmingly difficult. While we are breathing a little easier at the end of our 10 month crisis, we are still left with a little girl filled with lots of scar tissue. The wounds are no longer being ripped open day after day ... but it may take years to heal the scars. We are brought to our knees, as we seek His guidance on how to raise this precious child of His.

Big Hugs,

Laurel :)

Unknown said...


Thanks for this post. My self-pity and "woe is me" today just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Praying that God would give us all the strength to fully rely on Him and know that He is faithful to complete the work that He began in us (in so many ways!)


Kristi J said...

Hi, Kristi here..I know you were in the Ziway, ET area recently and watched the LIfesong projects going in...We are thinking about putting a water well in there for their project...was wondering if you could email me so I could ask you a couple of questions about it, kristi j

Kristi J said...

sorry, my email is weloveourlucy@gmail.com thanks so much, kj

Kathleen said...

This is SO the place where I am at right now. Thank you for putting it into words.

Unknown said...

Amy, I sat here silently for a minute after reading your post.

There is so much to say and yet I know He is whispering it all to your heart as I sit here to type.

God is with the Patterson's and the Rigg's and all of us. His love never leaves us and His plans may never make sense to us here on earth. We have been promised trials and hardships - it is our choice how we walk through them. With Him and trusting Him and obeying Him - glorifying Him or not. Up to us. Does walking His plan hurt sometimes? YES! Does adoption hurt sometimes? YES!

As I walk this journey with you I am constantly reminded that His grace is enough - for everything!

Does it change how our human hearts feel? Not always and sometimes our hearts take a while to align with His love through it all!

Sending hugs and much love! Praying with you and for you!

trustandobey said...

OK , you nailed my week too, as I sat at the hospital with my daughter having an unexpected MRI. I was drowning in self pity until Beth Moore reminded me (in her simulcast over the weekend) that God LOVES me (and my daughter) no matter what is going on. This is such an elementary lesson, I know. Haven't we been singing "Jesus loves me" since childhood? But in the face of more medical, I just needed someone to look me in the eyes and say...Lisa, the Bible's message is CRYSTAL CLEAR on his love for you!!!So that is what I am resting in today...for myself, my daughter, my blog friends, etc.

On another note, you are so right that the miracle of adoption is mesmerizing and easy to get lost in.But then you come home and reality sets in and sometimes it is very very hard and you find yourself throwing up your hands and wondering if God has forgotten you. And... that brings me around to my initial point....remember, remember ...Jesus LOVES us,and our faith needs to stand firm on this.

Sophie said...

I was worried about you because you haven't posted in over a week.

I was just reading in Exodus where Moses went up to Mount Sinai and how the Israelites lost their patience in waiting for him, and I couldn't help but think what do I do when the Lord put's me in the desert? I can honestly say I get pretty impatient and I want to see the Lord work and make things better but unfortunately that's not always the case. Like you my heart has been heavy. Trying to bring some friends to the Lord and that's not going very well, people that I am close to that have cancer,my husband can't find work and my heart is aching to adopt another child, and a son who has been challenging me like never before.

Last night when I should have reached my breaking point, I didn't, the Lord was with me.

I keep reminding myself that even though things seem like they're falling apart I have to keep on keeping on for the Lord, it's not about my feelings but about my faith. One bad day in particular as I sat crying I opened my Bible and found myself in Matthew, and the first verse my eyes fell on was 11;28
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."
I'll be praying for you Amy.

Claire & Eden said...

Your last two posts have been so helpful for me... My husband and I just got our acceptance call from AGCI last week to adopt our little boy from Ethiopia. We are excited but nervous about a lot. Following HIS lead and trying to be obedient to HIS calling. My in-laws are not being supportive so your post "Somebody Else's Problem...." was just what I needed to read. Thank you for sharing your heart as it God uses you to reach so many.

Adeye said...

I hear your heart, dear friend. I am feeling so many of the same things for different people. Still, we hang on when life makes no sense at all. We trust with everything that is within us.

I have missed you here :)

HollyAnn said...

Well said, my friend, well said! I don't get to read blogs much anymore, but am paralyzed this morning with frustration and hurt...glad to know I am not alone as I read your transparent words! :)

Diana said...

Hi Amy - i have been reading your blog for some time... you are truly an encouragement to me as our family prays through the decision to adopt 2 toddlers from Congo. We have 3 biological kids and hope to be growing to 5! As i read your blog from Tuesday... i was reminded of a quote i heard during morning devotions at our Christian School (i work at my kids school)it was a huge encouragement and definite 'word from the Lord' to my heart as i continue to ask Him to show us direction and confirmation on moving forward to adopt. I thought it might be a source of encouragement for you to keep pressing on through all the 'junk' life throws your way... “You do not test the resources of God until you undertake the impossible.”... what a great picture of how incredibly HUGE our God is... and how we barely scratch the surface of the power and resources that are available to us as His children. Press on dear sister!!... and thank you for sharing your life with others like me!!

Megan said...

Thank you, Amy.

Thank you for acknowledging the "real hard" part of some adoptions. As much as I would like to be at the point where we can celebrate the awesomeness of our big kiddos adoption we are just not there - not yet. It is still daily hard, hard, hard.

On our knees is the only place to be.

Karin said...

Like Holly said, AMEN. I've been following Chrissie's story with awe. So thankful that she is doing better and continue to pray for a full recovery. I'm so glad you mentioned the adoptions that are hard. It needs to be said and those families need to be supported.

Big hugs!!

Kelly said...

Although you may have wanted to help your friends, please know that every single one of these verses helped me tonight. I've had a rough day with my own sn kiddo, and I'm wiped out. I'm sitting here asking why and blindly surfing blogs and popped yours into my address bar, and this one was speaking to me. Thank you.