Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Paranoid and lack of sleep...

I am feeling paranoid and so I took the new pictures off my blog- well, most of them anyway. Boring to post without pictures I know but even though it's private now I just do not want to take any chances. I spoke with my caseworker today- and she said that in 2 days his video had close to 600 hits. Oops. She did say that when his adoption was final she wanted to use the video on the agency website so that was good. I feel bad though because I just think his caseworker didn't know we were not supposed to put it out there publicly and of course I didn't know it either. I hate feeling like a rule breaker. I really like to play life by the rules (most of the time anyway!) And the sleep issues... first can I tell you all how perfect Kaden is? Seriously, he is just so sweet and smiles all the time. He is 17 months old however and likes to explore- but he is really a pretty easy baby and so sweet. (When he hugs you he just melts into you). But at night- YIKES. Todd and I are basically taking turns (it's his night tonight- YEAH!) Kaden will sleep from about 8-midnight and then he will walk up and have sort of night terrors. Mya did this too for a few months after she came home. I think it is because during the day it is busy and things are new and they don't have time to really think about things. But at night- it's quiet and it's almost like their little bodies cannot handle all the changes. It is so sad. So we basically just have to walk with him and console him (Mya was old enough at least when she came home that she could talk about what was upsetting her or the bad dream she was having) but Kaden cannot. So, we walk and hug, and rub his back and sing to him and just help him work through this. It truly breaks my heart how much he has had to endure in such a short lifetime. It is just not fair and it's not right. Last night as I was walking with him I kept telling him over and over how we will never ever let anyone hurt him again. I am so thankful once again for his foster mom- knowing that for the past year she has done the same for him means the world to me. I know they are still missing him and love him dearly. I spoke with her on the phone today... I know she is feeling sort of 'replaceable' because he is adjusting so well with us. That is of course what she wanted- but still, if I were in in her shoes I cannot image how hard that would be. I told her that what I loved about her was that she was willing to hurt herself to give these precious children a safe home while they need it. Then she has to have her heart ripped out each and every time they move on-and she does it anyway. Most people I know say 'I could never foster because I could not give the child back". I am one of those people. I have said those exact words. And I think that is why I am so forever grateful that she did it. She took the pain for someone else's sake. I see Jesus in her and it an awesome thing.

5 comments:

The Engelhardt 4 said...

Thanks Amy, for the invitation. I understand the foster mom's point of view...my parents were foster parents to many children while I was growing up....There were several that seemed to break my heart more than others when they left. I look forward to keeping up with you as well as praying for you. Blessings,
Elizabeth

Rhonda said...

I just LOVE reading your blog everyday! I was having withdrawals when I had to skip 1 whole day because of going private, but I completely understand. I just have to say that I love your family and am so glad that I know you! Thanks for letting me keep up with you guys!
Rhonda

kim p said...

Sorry to hear about your rough nights! Hang in there and keep letting the joy of the Lord be your strength. Kaden is SO blessed!!

Angel said...

Just wanted to say you're awesome and hang in there. You didn't break any rules. You did what you were told was OK and then were told differently. Totally different deal. You are precious. Hugs for you. Angel

Whitney said...

Praying for you all as you adjust to your precious little guy!