Friday, December 5, 2008

When your heart is broken...

Have you ever felt like you heard God clearly and then everything comes crashing down at once and you begin to doubt yourself and sometimes even Him?

We just got the call from the CPS worker that the baby would indeed spend the rest of her life with her foster family and not be joining our family as originally said. Honestly, I am blown away that a judge would do this- but trying with all of strength to praise and worship God even through the hurt and confusion.
I'm trying to remember that God can see the whole picture and that 'I' cannot.
I'm trying to make sense of it all, and yet remember that my human mind cannot possibly wrap itself around how the God of our universe sees things.
I'm trying to understand why God gave us a sibling group of five and then changed it to four.
I'm trying to understand how this system works, why it's so inconsistent and why the kids are always the ones who get stuck in the middle.
I'm trying to figure out how to tell our other kids she will not be here, and how I am possibly going to have enough arms wide enough to hold them all while they hurt.
I'm trying to figure out how I will face taking down her baby bed and returning her precious pink bows, clothes and toys.
I'm trying... but this is just so, so hard.

25 comments:

Phyllis said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. My heart aches for you. I can't understand the judges decision, either. I'll be praying for your family.
Phyllis

Bonky's Mom said...

I know my sweet friend, I know. I know about hearing so distinctly from God and then having it fall apart and you aren't even sure you know how to hear from God anymore.

Oh...there are so many pieces of confusion and hurt and anger in this stuff. I am so, so sorry.

Love you all and you know to call when you need anything!

Rebecca said...

This is the first time I have ever written a comment but I just wanted you to know that I am a foster/adoptive mother. I don't know how is system runs either and I have been apart of it for 6 years. I pray that God will begin to change it. God bless you--I really know the pain you are feeling and will keep you in my prayers!

fpatlan said...

Oh Amy, I am sorry to hear that! You are right, God is the only one that's knows why and sees the BIG picture...He has a plan. I will pray for you to have the right words to tell the rest of the kids...I know that you will have no problem in providing the mother's comfort to them that they will need. Take Care, Felis

Live to love and laugh said...

Words cannot express my feelings right now. You are all in my prayers. Even when we know God is in control our pain can still be devastating. I am praying God will allow you peace as you mourn such as sorrowful decision.

Michelle Riggs said...

Amy, I couldn't think of 12 dollar theological platitudes, so I decided to go with the first comment I thought of: THAT SERIOUS SUCKS! Brent (www.brentriggs.com)

Michelle Riggs said...

Amy, I couldn't think of 12 dollar theological platitudes, so I decided to go with the first comment I thought of: THAT SERIOUS SUCKS! Brent (www.brentriggs.com)

Jenny said...

I am so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine the heart ache you are feeling. I'll be praying for your family and for baby girl.

Debbie T said...

Oh Amy, I'm so sad and so sorry. I don't understand the judge's decision either - it seems so wrong. God knows why...maybe someday the reason will be revealed to you. Many hugs my friend.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry!

Audrey said...

Amy - I am crying with you. I know that your sweet heart is breaking. This makes no sense and yet you have to help the other kids accept it and live with this terrible decision. I lift you and all of your family today in prayer. It isn't fair or right by any standard that we can understand. Your arms will stretch plenty wide enough and God will be glorified through your unwavering faith in Him. I pray for His peace on you, sweet Amy.

Stacey said...

Amy, there are no words to express my feelings for you. I am so sorry about this. And at this point I guess it isn't for us to understand, but it is for us to trust GOD and rely on HIM in stinky times like this. Even though we don't understand it, HE does!
I will be praying for you guys,
<><

Melinda said...

Dear Amy,
I am so sad for you and shocked that CPS would do this. I can't imagine the heartach you and the entire family are going through. God has a plan and while it is hard to see the point of this plan when a sibling group is split, we know that He works all things together for His Glory. Praying for you and sending you lots of hugs.
Love,
Melinda

One Big Fat Sugar Mama said...

Amy, I have no words... My heart is hurting for you. I wish I lived closer so that I could come over and bring chocolate and a box of tissues. My phone is not working today so I can't even call you. I am so glad to see that you have so many supporters. I pray that you will be able to say Blessed be His name even when things are so hard.
I love you my sweet friend.
Amy J.

whenpigsfly said...

Oh Amy!
You knwo I have been prying along with you from almost minute one, and "hoping agaisnt hope" that she would be joining your family. My heart tender from physical miscarriages, I feel for you in tha tsame way I felt when we lost much aniticpated and wanted babies. You are in my prayers as you seek comfort from the Holy Spirit and guidance in explaining this incredible sadness to the other children. With you in spirit and standing right alongside you in prayer! Tearful hugs, knowing as you said that God does see and know the Big Picture, but asking for His strength to get you through this really rough storm He has placed you in
Linda

Kathrin said...

I am so sorry for you!

Recovering Noah said...

Oh my goodness, Amy. Words fail me. My heart is just breaking for you and Todd and the kids. I don't understand it. I really don't. It does not make one bit of sense. I don't see how they can reverse a decision of adoption. How can they just take her away from you??

I am so sorry, Amy.

Leslie

Recovering Noah said...

Oh my goodness, Amy. Words fail me. My heart is just breaking for you and Todd and the kids. I don't understand it. I really don't. It does not make one bit of sense. I don't see how they can reverse a decision of adoption. How can they just take her away from you??

I am so sorry, Amy.

Leslie

Welcome to four kids for us! said...

Amy, I feel that I have been taking this exciting adoption journey with you and now the road just made a very wrong turn along the way. This very thing happened to us during the adoption of our girls and it was so hard to understand. We were granted the right to adopt a sibling group of three by DCF but in the end the foster family who had our daughter's brother, stepped in and filed papers to adopt him. The kids were all under the age of two and right in a row like your five are . DCF wanted them to be adopted together. We wanted the three of them to have a childhood together but the judge saw it differently. I am not sure why our system fails kids like it does but my hope is that my children will one day be able to have a relationship with their brother. Rest your hope in Him and know that He has a plan. We will be praying for you and the four siblings. I am heart broken for you and your family. Kathleen

Doreen said...

I have tears with you Amy... I am soooo sorry for your sad news.....Your right, God fiqured out the big picture we can not see.. and hope you and the baby's new family will be each others family as well...hugs.. doreen

Jman's momma said...

Oh Amy - I am so sorry for this loss and the extra grief for your newest additions.

Precious Jesus give peace and comfort to the children. Our broken system underestimates their abilities and their capacity for bonds and emotions and connections and we do it for the sake of what is "best for the child." Knowing they are all moving through the stages of grief on many levels, I pray that You will give this family the strength and patience and anything else they need to bond together and be free to be exactly who you created them to be. There is so much that we just aren't able to understand and it disturbs us and breaks our hearts. We are counting on you God to repair these broken hearts and fill them with your love again. Praying in Your Holy Name, Jesus. Amen.

Andrea said...

Oh Amy, I can't imagine how shattered your heart must be right now. That absolutely does not make any sense. What crazy State did this happen in. And how dare he grant just one child that is even more so selfish of the foster family that has him right now to just want to adopt only one sibling even though your family is willing do to all 5. Praying for your heart.

Tessa said...

Just checking back after you being MIA ... and I can't believe this! I am happy that you have 4 of the children with you ... but so sad about the baby. I am so sorry.

darci said...

I'm so so sorry. what a sad thing.

Carla said...

Have you ever felt like you heard God clearly and then everything comes crashing down at once and you begin to doubt yourself and sometimes even Him?

YES!!! On the day you received your devastating news, we also received ours. I knew then, last year at this time, we heard God loud and clear. I still know that we did the right thing and followed God's leading. I know that we can't possibly understand it; as we are not all-knowing. But at least we can take comfort in knowing that God works all things for the good.