Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Adopted children and Daycare


Awhile back I had three different people ask me in about a weeks time if I would write a post on how I felt about adopting children and then putting them into daycare.

After much thought and prayer- this is what God showed me.

Obviously, I value being able to stay at home with my children or else I wouldn't be here. That doesn't come without effort and that doesn't come without a cost. There have been many times where I have looked around and wished (or coveted) what others 'have' materialistically that we do not have simply because I choose to stay home with my children and not work. There have been many times where I have felt 'less than' because I am not dressed up for work, I don't receive a pay check, and truthfully- not everyone sees 'my job' as valuable.

I have friends who work outside the home- and they too have expressed to me their cost of going to work. They often feel stressed out, overworked, guilty, and overwhelmed.

The point is-none of us live in a perfect world. None of us will live in the ideal situation all the time.
I am not a perfect parent- and some days I wish I had more resources, more help, and more creativity that a daycare setting might provide.
And my working friends will tell you there are things they wish were different in their lives too.

One of my greatest friends in the world is a pediatrician- with three adopted children. Her children go to daycare and they are doing fabulous. Their parents are devoted to them, their upbringing, their security, their happiness, their lives- and it is beautiful.

I have another wonderful friend who is a single mother of a little girl from Guatemala. Her daughter was in daycare when she came home and now goes to school. This mamas relationship with her daughter blows me away. They have an amazing bond and they do everything together. She has taught her daughter to be a giving, loving, smart little girl- and it is beautiful.

Both of these families are proof that children who are adopted into loving and devoted homes and go into daycare can thrive.

One reader told me she would love to adopt- but due to circumstance in their lives right now would not be able to stay at home with her child. She didn't know if adopting a child and putting them in daycare would be the best thing for a child. One thing I can say is- I would never let not being able to be a stay- at- home mom stop me from adopting if that is what God called me to do. First of all, God always knows best and He will supply for all of your needs when He calls you to do something- whether that be working it out so you can stay at home or providing a wonderful daycare and workers for your child. Secondly, what an orphan needs more than anything is a family. Whether that family works outside the home or not- they are still a family. They still love that child, take care of that child, teach that child, protect that child, nurture that child- and meet all of their needs. THAT is what truly matters.

I think a lot of times we waste so much time judging and criticizing each others ways that we miss out on so many chances to build each other up or help each other out. And in that wasted time of judging and criticizing- we accomplish less for God's kingdom- and Satan loves that.

None of us are perfect and none of us are going to- or have to- do everything the same way. Each of our lives are our own journey. They are not about perfection- but about relationship-loving people for who they are and where they are in their journey. It's about putting Him first and learning to love the way He does.
If you see a working parent and you are not- why don't you offer to make them a meal so that they have more time to spend with their child that night?

If you are a working parent and know a stay-at-home mom- offer to take their child to play at the park one Saturday so that mom is able to run errands.

Because none of us have perfect lives- it sure is nice to know we are not in this broken world alone.

1 Thessalonians 5:11. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up

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36 comments:

Gina said...

Outstanding post. Bless you.

~linds said...

Thank you for this.

Mandie said...

Wonderful job! Thanks so much for supporting both sides of the coin. Don't we all wish we had what the other has.

Blessings to all moms!

Lindsey said...

Thank you for this post! As a working mom, I often grieve over the time that I miss out on with our kids, but things have been amazing and we are loving life as a family.

Talley Images said...

Thank you for this post... I often feel guilty (and made to feel that way by some) b/c I work full time and my kids go to school/daycare.... and we are adopting and our new child will hopefully go to school as well! But my husband is in school full time so right now we dont have a choice as to whether I work or not. Hopefully one day, he will get a job and I can just do my photography work and stay home... but until then - my children are happy, safe and loved... couldnt ask for more.

Lauren said...

Love, love, love this post! Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

I truly appreciate this post. I've been wishing for some answers on this exact topic, and the success stories you mentioned---and your key point that family is the key (whether working in or outside the home)--well, that's what I've been needing to hear.

Laura said...

Beautiful. I love your grace-filled approach to this touchy subject.

Rebecca said...

Hi Amy!! I have been following your blog for several months and met you at T4A (Mitzi's friend...live 30 minutes in the opposite direction from her :)

I am single, and I am a foster mom. My babies always have to go to daycare, which I HATE!! However, I know they are better off with me and in daycare than in the situations that they came out of. However, as I have considered adopting as a single, I often wonder if I'd be doing the kids a disservice because I'd have to put them in daycare. I've wondered if they could truly have the bonding and healing that they need without having a stay-at-home Mommy. So THANK YOU for sharing the success stories that you've shared!!

Lisa said...

Hi Amy! Thank you so much for this! I was a little nervous when I saw the post title I must confess, as I've seen others who talked about putting adopted children in day care as a truly negative thing. I can easily see both sides and see so many positives each way. I WISH I was a stay at home parent, and sometimes wonder if I'm doing right by my children taking them in as a single parent who must work. BUT, I Know God has called me to this position and know that if He wants it to change then He will lead me there as well. Again, thank you!
Lisa

hopeful one said...

Amy,
First let me say Im so grateful that your hubby is well. Im grateful for what the Lord is doing in your families life. On another note I think you handled this topic with so much grace! Lord knows that if it were not for grace NONE of us would be able to stand...stay at home mom or working mom! Thank you for being very thoughtful in the way your communicated this post.
Trina

Jonett W. said...

Thank you! This is one of the best posts I have read lately.

Charlow Family said...

Thank you Amy! I have felt that same whispering in my spirit about how no family is perfect. No parents are perfect. No kids are perfect no matter how hard I try to make them act that way. We are all doing the best we can with what we've been given.

Jenn S said...

Good word! Especially the part about "if that's what God called you to do"! Thanks for being real about this!

Jami said...

Oh Amy - right on! I love this post. Yes, we all have our own stories, we all could use a helping hand and we all have opportunities where we can be the helping hand. I just love love what you said here! Amen sister! :)

The O'Neal Family said...

Hi Amy,
I haven't talked to you in a while but do check in on your blog all the time :) Thank You so much for writing this, it is hard for me sometimes being a full time working mom who is adopting and reading so many blogs with almost 100% stay-at-home moms! You always seem to write things that parallel what I am thinking and I was happy to hear so many positives about daycare coming from a stay-at-home mom. I was so nervous to put my biological son (only child) in daycare last year when he was just under 1 year old. When we lived in AZ we had family to watch him and moving to OK without anyone we knew, we we're forced to do daycare as my husband and I both have to work. I was so nervous for many reasons and truth be told...he does better there than when he is at home, he loves it, and at almost 2 years old, has his own friends that he loves to talk about, learns so much and I think I am a better mom to him and he enjoys being around me more at the end of the day because we miss each other. It is just hard to explain this to stay-at-home mom's because I think they think like I did (before my little one started) and think of daycare as a negative and now having him in it I have a whole new outlook on it and encourage it...even to stay-at-home moms that might be able to afford it for a day or 2 a week and get some alone time and allow the child more independent interaction. I am now excited to eventually place our future adopted child in to get the same opportunities our lil' one now has. Thanks again so much Amy, hope you are doing well!

Shannon- said...

IT is managable. It is not ideal- putting children in 'daycare' but some kids thrive. They need it. They need the reinforcement of what that structure provides. As it turns out- I happened to be a stay at home and single mom (at least for the time being). As I got laid off from my job after becomming a mom of my son. One would think it would be scary and frightening.... it wasn't. I continue to have peace with it as it has given us more time to secure our attachment. You are right- being single or childcare (regardless of situation) should never detract one from adopting!! That's just plain silly

Matt and Sarah said...

I have been following your blog for quite some time and have been so blessed by it! We are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. As a teacher (and at this point a necessary paycheck) I have struggled so much with the idea of our child going to day care after we have to start back to work. Thank you for a wonderful post. What a perfect reminder that God will work everything out and that no situation is perfect.

Andrea H. said...

Awwh Amy, thanks for writing your very thoughtful post especially that I consider myself one of your friends but unfortunately have to work. You truly were fair to both sides and I appreciate that. Often times outsiders don't look at the whole picture why one has to take a child to daycare. As my wise daughter once said to me when I was down about working and leaving my kiddos she said "mom they are still so loved are are off so much better with our family as if they would live at an orphanage".

BrandiB said...

absolutley wonderful and insightful post Amy!

Lauren said...

I love this post so much!! We mommies need to support and love one another - not judge and criticize. I love this perspective! :)

mamamargie said...

Good balance. Each option "costs" something. Every family must prayerfully weigh the costs/options available to them. We DO waste much time judging others instead of taking care of the responsibilities God has placed before us.

Anonymous said...

I so needed to hear this. I am a working mom to 3 bio kids & have been thinking alot about adoption, but most things I read come from stay at home moms. Kind of made me feel like it was a requirement. Good to know its not :) Thanks!

Theresa said...

I agree, great post. I work outside the home and both of my adoptive girls go to daycare and both of them are striving. I really think one of the most important things is to find a great daycare (obviously) and stay consistent. My daycare is great bu the facility itself isn't so great. I thought of moving them but haven't because I want daycare to be consistent. Both of my girls have bonded with all the staff, other kids, and other parents. They are comfortable and happy there. Plus, my husband and I are very connected to what is happening their day and very involved. Daycare can be good.

Alison said...

Good post! I get SO sick of reading blog posts where the author takes what God has said is right for their family and announced to the blogging world that it is God's will for all families. Personally, I agree with you and stay at home with my kids myself because I feel that is what God wants me to do and I enjoy it. Kudos to you, though, for not declaring God's will for the rest of the world. A breath of fresh air.

Emily said...

Amy, Thanks so much for this post!! I work FT and am the primary bread-winner while my husband builds his new business. My children are BEGGING to adopt, and I've always put them off because I can't be at home. This reinforces what my brain knows :)
Emily

Sophie said...

You are so right Amy, as Christians we need to support and encourage one another. As always, great post!

trustandobey said...

This was very good, Amy. I am a SAHM and feel very blessed to be able to be. We do go without a lot of the frills of life, but I think the one thing you can never get back is time...once it is gone, it is gone. So I am at home with my kids and I school them as well. Some days , I want to beat my head against the wall, but for the most part I realize that this is what God wanted for my family and I feel blessed. You represented both sides very well!
Lisa
ps-Thank you so much for stopping by:)

Brandi said...

Thank you!
God used you today to bring to my heart something that I needed to hear.

Polly said...

So glad to have found you in blog world! God bless!

Phyllis said...

I have many days where I wish so badly that I could stay home. But for me I think the key has been to find a REALLY good daycare. Kristen's first one was pretty good, and she could look out the window and see my office, so I think that helped to her know I was right there! Now she goes to a different one after school and in the summer, and it's absolutely the most wonderful daycare. Since she's an only child she LOVES getting to play with the little kids and see the babies. So although I'm exhausted all the time, and feel like a failure many days, I'd encourage anyone to adopt even if their child will be in daycare.

Katie said...

Thank you for your discerning treatment of this topic and for encouraging all kinds of moms.

Miracles from God to us! said...

wow at the pumpkin patch that we went too in WI we had the same little train with blue cars. If you live close by I would love to get together! Love your blog! Still praying about adopting from AFrica! If we get the tax credit back for Esther and maybe Samuel then maybe we can! :)

God BLEss, Heidi

~ Lisa @ AbidingThere~ said...

I love this post. :)

Wife to the Rockstar said...

I SO AGREE!

Christy said...

Great post!! I work part-time and yes, when my kids were young, that meant day care (which today's standards are wonderful education centers). But, because I worked, was able to adopt more and more. And now I work part-time because I love it! It's not a second choice - it's a blessing and I'm so honored God opened the doors.

I loved your part about not judging and just doing what God's told each of us to do. Personal choices are just that.

Well said.

Christy