When you have to let go

All of us take risks in our lives, some are big and some are so small I doubt if we even realize we are taking them.
We might risk lending a hand to a stranger not knowing if it will be appreciated or offend them… We might send our money to a ‘cause’ and not know if it ever got into the right hands.
But we know that each time we ‘step out there’ God knows too and it is always worth the risk if your heart was in the right place.

Always.

Life in general is a risk- because if we fail- if we fall, there will be pain.
And sometimes the fear of that pain keeps us stranded- afraid to move.
But as I look back over my life and all of the risks we have taken- some ended up working out and some ended us up in a place we never wanted to be…
Yet through it all God was there by our side, holding us through it, knowing that we knew He was always worth the risk.
God doesn’t always promise us a happy ending, but He promises that He will never leave us. And when we are finally able to stand again we can look back and see how we have grown and changed and slowly, ever so slowly we begin to heal…
Risk is often associated with the unknowns- and fear. Yet I have found that I have never once regretted taking a risk to help/love a child. That doesn’t mean that things always turn out the way we wanted them to, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be pain.

There have been so many times I have been thankful people have taken a risk on me. My husband, for marrying me and adopting Travis as his own. My parents for believing that I actually might grow up one day and learn to behave myself. My sister Jenny for sticking by my side through some pretty crazy risks I have taken in my life and always believing in me anyway. My kids, for supporting me, trusting me and cheering me on. My precious friends- you know who you are- who have listening to my crazy ideas, listened to me cry, whine and still answer your phone when I call! :0) I love you all and am so thankful you think I am worth the risk.

Blogs are a funny thing. Sometimes, we get to see glimpses of someone’s story- paragraphs perhaps- but not the entire book. And that is unfortunately what you will get here. I truly wish you could ‘read’ the entire book- or see the whole picture because I know that if you did you would be able to better understand. You would know what it was like to be in our position, you would feel the gut wrenching pain, cry our tears, and know our sorrow.
I think life is pretty much that way. God see’s the whole story- the BIG picture- we only get to see a part of His plan. We see what is going on in our homes, between our 4 walls, we pray, seek God and then make the best decisions we can from the information we have. That is all we can do. But God knows. He knows our hearts and He understands our deepest desires- yet all the while working things out for the good of those who love Him.
Francis Chan wrote in his book Crazy Love “Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending”. So that is where we are right now. Broken hearted, but knowing that God is all knowing and see’s ‘the entire picture', and understands the whole story in a way that we will never be able to comprehend.

This last week the sibling group of four we were hoping to adopt left our home. Out of respect to these children that we love with all of our hearts, children that we thought of as ‘ours’ and prayed endlessly for- I will not share ‘the whole story’. I know being on your end of the computer it will be hard to understand, and I am sorry for that. But I will tell you one thing- we truly loved and truly wanted these kids- and the decision was not ours for them to go. There was an issue of safety and with the advice of therapist and other medical professionals- and despite our best efforts- we were not able to keep all of the children in our home safe if they stayed. Because of this, CPS made the decision to move the children into another home in order to keep the children in our home safe. The choice was not ours. This is not, for one second, the way we ever thought this would play out. But we know that God knows our hearts- He knows that we were and are still willing to risk everything to love a child, even if the final outcome is not what we had hoped for. We are left now holding the pieces of our broken hearts and broken dreams. But I have no regrets. We loved these kids, rocked them, sang to them, took care of them when they were sick. We taught them about Jesus and they knew they were adored, wanted and loved unconditionally. And while CPS made the choice that their futures did not include us- we know that God knew all along.

We told Him to use us- and we feel privileged that He did...even when it hurts.

I won’t claim to understand or like this decision. I admit in the darkest of hours I question God as to why He allowed this to happen. But what I do know is because there is sin in this world, people make mistakes and those mistakes have long term effects.
I cannot change that. I can only be who I am and always be willing to take a chance and love.

We miss you our precious fabulous four. May you always be happy and always, always know how much you are loved.

Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see. ~ Corrie ten Boom