It has been years now... 4 to be exact, but I can still remember the features of her tiny face... her beautiful brown eyes, round Guatemalan cheeks, and her little forehead that wrinkled up as she squinted towards the camera. Her name was Maria De Los Angeles- and although I only knew her on pictures and paper, she will forever own a piece of my heart- and a moment of my lifetime where she filled my head with dreams and my soul with joy. She was our first adoption referral- the one we lost.
I know of many of you who will read this and have been through the same thing... one day you were 'promised' a child(ren) that you opened your heart to and loved instantly- only to have that child, through some unfortunate circumstance, taken away. And the pain is so real it makes you feel like your entire world is going to fall apart... like you could not possibly go on.
"However, each one must live his life in the situation the Lord assigned when God called him." 1 Corinthians 7:17
I remember sitting on the couch after I got the phone call just staring at the wall... I felt so hopeless, so lost. All of my dreams, my plans, were gone and as I sat there I didn't even know how to begin to move on. I could not understand how God could let that happen... why He would give us such a gift that felt so right, only to take it away. I had done everything right... I followed the right steps, used a good agency, how could this happen? I didn't want to feel- I didn't ever want to open my heart again and allow anyone or anything to cause me that much pain again. I vowed to be DONE. My heart was off limited.
"Man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 Holman CSB
A funny thing happened though... as I vowed to build that wall around my heart to protect it, God began His work....
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit". Romans 15:13 NIV
It certainly didn't happen overnight... I had to allow myself to go through the steps of grieving...and I had let God fill my heart with renewed hope. I had to trust God that even through the pain He would take care of me. I had to trust that His will be done.
"The thing you should want most is God's kingdom and doing what God wants. Then all these other things you need will be given to you". Matthew 6:33 NCV
Although the pain may never completely go away,and I may never have all of the answers... today I can look back and remember her beautiful little face with a smile and pray that God is holding her too.
"Now there are different gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different ministries, but the same Lord." 1 Corinthians 12:4-5 Holman CSB
As I sit here typing I can hear those precious giggles coming from the other room... and then I hear her call my name "Mommy, Mommy come see what I did!" and I know without a double it was worth the pain and heartbreak. God's will was done... God was faithful.
Lord, thank you for holding us through our pain... thank you for renewing our hope even when our world feels like it is falling apart. I pray for my precious friend Sarah today Lord. Give her comfort and mend her broken heart. Give her your strength to go on. And Lord, thank you for my beautiful Aleigha Grace- my daughter who loves to wear pony tails in her hair and pick wild flowers... for had I not have experienced that horrible, painful loss I would never have been blessed by her life in mine. Thank for for always knowing what is best for us, even when we cannot possibly see.