On my knees...

I haven’t felt much like writing lately, which isn’t like me. Writing is usually my form of processing and working through things. I know part of the reason is because we have been extremely busy with life. Travis is moving son back from college for the summer (yeah!!) Carson is turning 3 years old this Saturday (he is so excited!) 6 kids involved in soccer, a new baby (who has had some medical issues we are dealing with) raising 9 kids... and just life in general.

Most days are wonderful, other days are not.

Actually, to be honest, some days are just downright hard.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

This past week my heart has been so heavy. As I look around me I have a lot of close friends who are facing some tough stuff. We have spent a lot of time in prayer lately,even often times in the middle of the night, for our precious friends, The Patterson's. Sweet princess Chrissie , who was adopted from Serbia 6 months ago-has been fighting for her life after having open heart surgery. For those of you who don’t know them- you are missing out. This family has taught me so much about truly living for Christ. They have taught me so much about giving- no matter what the cost. It has been a privilege to know them and I am so thankful for their example. And yet my heart is hurting for them as they walk through this valley. I want a happy ending for them more than anything. I feel so helpless and to be honest I am questioning God like never before.

And all I can do is remain on my knees.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

And then there is The Riggs family. The family we are trying and trying to raise the money for through the Pass It Forward Adoption Fund. Their lives have been completely turned upside down over the past year with Abby (who was adopted from Guatemala) being diagnosed with leukemia. Michelle and I have laughed together, cried together, and prayed together- all the while knowing that God is in control and that we just have to trust. But as you spend day after day watching your little girl suffer and wondering what the future holds- there is only so much you can take. My heart breaks for them.

Then I look over to the chip in button on my blog and I question myself. And I question God. I know He told me to do it. Raising the money was HIS idea. But I am at a loss for how. We are a little more than half way to $20,000 and even though the Riggs are walking this tough road- they choose to continue to welcome more children in their home. They know how fragile life is and more than anything they want to use the time they have to make a child’s life better.

I cannot help but notice how much The Pattersons and The Riggs have in common. Both having children who are fighting for their lives- yet regardless of the unknowns- both families continue to love and welcome new children into their home.

I am in awe.

I am inspired...

and yet I feel so helpless.

I want so much to do something. I want so much to do more. I know God has a plan. But I cannot seem to hear him. I am at a loss as to how to raise the rest of the money.

And all I can do is remain on my knees.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I also have a few friends who are struggling with their adopted children. I am passionate about adoption. I love adoption. But it is hard. Real hard. I admit that often times I am guilty of concentrating on the awesomeness of adoption. The wow moments- the ones that take your breath away. The happy endings. But the truth is, adoption isn’t always easy. Life isn’t always easy. There are often struggles. Big struggles. Ones that make you question where God is in all of this? Often times our adopted kiddo’s come to us with baggage and scars. The thick kind of scars that never seem to fade. And there is baggage- the kind that you have to sort through, work on weeding out, and getting rid of some of the things that are wearing you down. And it takes work. Lots and lots of work. Sometimes you try things that don’t work. So you try something else. And sometimes even that doesn’t work. So, you try again. Over and over- never giving up- even though a lot of the times want to.

And all you can do is remain on your knees.

On your knees seeking Him.

Trusting the one who knows.

The one who has all the answers.

Because you know without a doubt that you don’t.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. Psalm 32:8