Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Dirt

I haven't had a lot to blog about lately because I have been spending a lot of time soul searching and really listening to God. Yesterday- Aleigha, Mya and I spent most of the day outside- planting our garden, and just letting my mind and heart process some things. And what I discovered as I dug in the mud- is that my heart was just as black as that dirt.

It’s embarrassing to admit this… but part of the reason why I was so afraid to say yes to Kaden was because I had this fear that he might not be perfect. You know, all parents want their children to be perfect. I know- it’s silly, but we do. We want everyone else to gush over our children- say how cute they are, how they act like little angels, well mannered, polite and respectful. We want them to be straight ‘A’ students, popular, well- rounded, athletic, strong. It’s every parents dream. And well, while viewing Kaden’s files and the challenges he was coming from- I’m ashamed to admit that I was afraid. Someone told us that we were ‘taking on someone else’s problem” and I was afraid that they might be right. But you know what- I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Websters dictionary defines Perfect as this: to bring to final form. Being entirely without fault. Pure. Total. Satisfying all requirements.

You see, according to Websters dictionary and ACCORDING TO GOD- Kaden IS perfect. God does not make mistakes and God made Kaden. He brought him to final form, and Kaden is entirely without fault. He is an innocent child but because of someone else’s sin he has suffered. He is pure. Total. Made in the image of God. Perfect.

And I almost missed this because of my warped American view of perfection.

I believe that so many times in our lives we miss out on God’s blessings because they do not come packaged the way we thought they would. We don’t notice the VALUE of these gifts because we are so caught up in worlds dreams.
What I have learned is that any ideas, any dreams, any plans of how I think my life should be- I need to just throw them out the window and let God show we His ways. Because God has a purpose that is higher than ours.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, “ declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

God has an eternal plan that we can hardly grasp, and there is a divine nature that our infinite minds cannot comprehend. We are constantly trying to limit God with our categories and our understanding. Just when we think we have figured God out or have determined how God should act, He does something far more marvelous than we could have ever imagined. Because we are so slow to learn this- the only thing we can do is trust what He says and praise what He does. And yet… we are so stubborn, so set in our ways- we still try to plan. We still think we know what is best. We still believe we have the perfect plan.

In the dark hours of facing my fears, and facing myself… I have grown. I am so thankful that God forgives. So thankful for God’s grace. Despite the ugliness of my heart, despite my internal fight of clinging to the worlds view of perfection- He has blessed me with the most amazing gift this world has to offer- a child. God is allowing me- to raise this beautiful, perfect child that he created. I am in awe.

Lord, I am on my knees thanking you for this privilege of being Kaden’s mother. I ask for your forgiveness when I do not see things the way they truly are- when my ways, my ideas are so warped from your truth.. I thank you for each and every life that you create and I thank you for making each and every child perfect. Your compassion in my own life moves me. Help me to learn to do the same for others. Help me to treat everyone alike Lord, as valuable creations- made in your image. I love you Lord. Amen.

1 comment:

Rhonda said...

Amy, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family! Love ya, Rhonda