This post is going to be really hard for me to write for two reasons. One, the reason I blog is because I am so passionate about adoption, I’ve always figure that if God can use us at all to ‘help’ someone else along the way than I am all for that. Yet, because I also have to respect and protect our ‘private’ lives I have to be very careful how much I ‘share’. So, that puts me in a tough spot on how to share.
Secondly, putting this out there is totally admitting my weaknesses… and well, there are many. I will warn you now they are not in the least pretty.
Not pretty at all.
So, here goes…my best attempt to share- the good, the bad and the ugly- without really sharing.
I might as well get it out there first- I have never been one who completely understood disruptions. I think a large part of that is due to the fact that my precious nephew came into my sisters family (therefore my family) through a disrupted adoption. This kid is nothing but amazing. Perfect- no, but none the less- amazing. If you heard his story, if you knew him- I guaranteed you too would question ‘disruptions’. Yet while I know it’s wrong to ‘judge’ someone else-being as passionate as I am about adoption, I guess that part of it didn’t fit into the picture I had drawn in my head of adoption. I didn’t want to go there- I didn’t want to even think about that being possible. That is, until a precious family that I know had to walk this road…
and when this part of adoption became a very real possibility for us as well. It was at that point the Lord gave me a whole new view of disruption-the side that many families have had to face. Many beautiful families- who love God with all their heart- who truly, without a doubt are just as passionate about adoption as I am- have to walk that road. Without any choice of their own, it creeps in and destroying their biggest dreams. Despite their continuous prayers, their tears, their heartache, their hard work and dedication- disruption becomes their reality. They must release their child - only to be left carrying the hurt, carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.. and once again finding themselves falling to their knees asking God why? Why- when it was all they had dreamed of? Why- when they had given their all and poured their life into that child? Why- when they had been obedient to God’s calling. Why?
Today I am able to understand this in a whole new way- thanks to God. He gave me a small taste of what these families endure and I am ashamed to say that I didn’t always understand. We came to a place with one of our new children where not continuing to parent them became a very big reality. Any way we looked at it- we had all of the right reason to go that route. While I cannot share the details, I will tell you that pretty much every person I am close to- good, Godly Christian woman, said the same thing- they would absolutely understand if we chose to not finalize the adoption. We were in a situation where safety became an issue and that, of course, put a lot of pressure on my husband and I as parents. Lots of pressure to do the ‘right’ thing for everyone involved.
We were hurting and we were scared. Our dream, our picture of ‘how things would play out’ had been squashed before our very eyes. I didn’t want ‘this’ being a part of my life. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to deal with ‘it’ at all. It was bad- it was ugly, it was wrong- and ‘I’ didn’t want to have any part of it. Once again, I wanted to put on my running shoes, or hide under my covers- just go on with my life and pretend that ‘this’ never happened to us.
So, I reasoned with myself- that we could just that exact thing. After all, we had every reason to move on. Nobody would judge us if they knew the truth. They would understand, and I was sure they would do the same thing themselves. It all made perfect sense. It really did. We had every reason.
Every reason, except for one.
God had called us to this… and God had not yet allowed us to release this child.
Again I wish I could share. I wish more than anything I could tell you how clearly He spoke to me- how obvious He made Himself known. I wish I could tell you how through scripture, through an experience I had one day He ‘showed me’ something I never knew before. He spoke to me in a way that literally took all of the fear, the hurt, and the anguish we had been feeling- and gave us a peace like no other.
I know there are times when God does release a child now from your grip- as was the case of a sweet family I know. Where their part was done. Where the answer was no more. Where He reclaimed that child and she are no longer theirs. And as painful as that was, they had to act in obedience. I have a whole new respect for people who love a child so much they are willing to acknowledge and obey God when He says ‘let go’ regardless of their own wants, their own desires- and their own pain.
And then there are other times where God asks you to continue. To stand beside this child regardless of how hard that may be. Regardless of your own dreams, your own feelings- regardless of the fact that you are less than qualified. He simply asks you to continue on.
I love how one mommy explained it like this:
"Do you ever look at your kids and your circumstances and just have to say to God, "Okay - this is my Africa."? I know I'm called to be the parent to all of my kids. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. I'm realizing certain bits of information were not given to us before we made the decision to take our children (information that would have led us to say, "No, thank you" immediately). Yet God made this one crystal clear. He has asked us to do it. And some days ... all I can do is say, "It's my Africa. It's devastating. It's putrid. It is foreign. It feels completely impossible. Yet it is my calling."
So here we are- walking this road we never thought we’d end up on.
We are humbled and changed- but changed for the better.
Will it be easy? No way.
Some days do I still feel like hiding under my covers? You betcha.
But then I remember that my Africa is waiting…
And I am called.
So I put both feet on the ground and focus my eyes on above…once again offering all that I have-my hands, my heart, my mind, my feet, to serve Him in any way He asks and trusting Him to show me the way.
Are you too facing your Africa? If so, how can I pray for you today?
“The Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” John 14:26